and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.