i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
