A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She's like a pop up book from hell.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I think this conversation is over.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?