Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Did I show you my penis last night?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.