yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?