Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.