so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
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On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
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In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?