Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
