he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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