New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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