It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself