The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Dating After Heartbreak
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i came on her dog
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.