I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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