I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dating After Heartbreak
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it