i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
ra ra ra ah ah
sexting lady gaga style
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.