you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go