That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
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Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
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super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic