Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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