I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
what ever happened to devon sawa?
i'm really worried about him.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.