i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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