After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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