Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.