i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Less talking, more tequila
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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