I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.