did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation