Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.