I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.