I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
No stitches, just platelets and will power
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
yea but for you.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad