I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
high people should be assigned attendants
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Drunk walkin through police station. America
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.