i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.