I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR