dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
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I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
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Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you will always have a special place in my vag
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
I have to watch that.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.