My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
