how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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