You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Blood and glitter go together right?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Be still, my beating vagina.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you didnt know i had herpes?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken