Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you will always have a special place in my vag
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
bring money and cleavage
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.