I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
