That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
