You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message