i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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