I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
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I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
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My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
How external is "for external use only"?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just blew my weed a kiss
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?