I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
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I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Say something about gay babies.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
farters have to be the big spoon...
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?