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that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I understand Curling. That high.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
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