Texts From Last Night

Slevin_life10's Favorites Texts:

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  (630): View more from Illinois

  a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.

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  (630): a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning. http://tfl.nu/n5pe
  Replies (12) Good night (4957) Bad night (836) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.

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  (540): I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking. http://tfl.nu/rroe
  Replies (24) Good night (2189) Bad night (4358) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already

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  (817): just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already http://tfl.nu/u230
  Replies (4) Good night (1710) Bad night (2241) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  so how was last night?

  (1-586): View more from Michigan

  got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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  (586): so how was last night? (1-586): got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages. http://tfl.nu/4xoa
  Replies (21) Good night (9811) Bad night (727)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.

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  (817): he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him. http://tfl.nu/kyym
  Replies (29) Good night (4052) Bad night (1310) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.

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  (317): Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube. http://tfl.nu/etlx
  Replies (16) Good night (4942) Bad night (1041) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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  (702): You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever. http://tfl.nu/mih5
  Replies (13) Good night (4800) Bad night (910) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.

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  (602): The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser. http://tfl.nu/x3yh
  Replies (8) Good night (3677) Bad night (830) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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  (708): You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half. http://tfl.nu/enxi
  Replies (13) Good night (6080) Bad night (850) Order T-Shirt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.

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  (479): Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke. http://tfl.nu/d4y7
  Replies (7) Good night (2515) Bad night (973) Order T-Shirt
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.

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  (865): And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly. http://tfl.nu/a3gz
  Replies (21) Good night (5521) Bad night (540) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug

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  (650): i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug http://tfl.nu/0t6b
  Replies (25) Good night (2883) Bad night (435) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  What did we do last night that was yellow?

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  (860): What did we do last night that was yellow? http://tfl.nu/a1qq
  Replies (4) Good night (841) Bad night (1729) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.

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  (909): Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome. http://tfl.nu/gu2z
  Replies (29) Good night (5030) Bad night (414) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.

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  (253): She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much. http://tfl.nu/wscf
  Replies (21) Good night (8180) Bad night (586) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.

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  (440): Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing. http://tfl.nu/x35s
  Replies (51) Good night (9623) Bad night (790) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

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  (607): haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook. http://tfl.nu/7oed
  Replies (54) Good night (17746) Bad night (468) Order T-Shirt
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  (213): View more from California

  Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.

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  (213): Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now. http://tfl.nu/tt7k
  Replies (8) Good night (4230) Bad night (394) Order T-Shirt
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know

  (1-989): View more from Michigan

  no

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  (989): did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know (1-989): no http://tfl.nu/fk8z
  Replies (27) Good night (1195) Bad night (5431) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.

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  (310): He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance. http://tfl.nu/gr0i
  Replies (25) Good night (8860) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.

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  (225): walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans. http://tfl.nu/3s10
  Replies (24) Good night (4901) Bad night (551) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  you guys were way drunker than both of me

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  (612): you guys were way drunker than both of me http://tfl.nu/x140
  Replies (11) Good night (8954) Bad night (720) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?

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  (404): What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you? http://tfl.nu/4jb3
  Replies (22) Good night (8982) Bad night (5922) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.

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  (954): i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed. http://tfl.nu/a1x5
  Replies (24) Good night (6744) Bad night (935) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.

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  (607): she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet. http://tfl.nu/uotm
  Replies (36) Good night (1306) Bad night (8109) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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  (904): We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple http://tfl.nu/4e1c
  Replies (19) Good night (9529) Bad night (692) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.

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  (917): i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again. http://tfl.nu/ig6s
  Replies (35) Good night (416) Bad night (3644) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.

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  (516): remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying. http://tfl.nu/1qjh
  Replies (34) Good night (3423) Bad night (354) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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  (419): just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked http://tfl.nu/tqdc
  Replies (59) Good night (23891) Bad night (1550)
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  (818): View more from California

  So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice

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  (818): So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice http://tfl.nu/dh5p
  Replies (94) Good night (8581) Bad night (555)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.

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  (541): Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia. http://tfl.nu/enyb
  Replies (14) Good night (938) Bad night (1939) Order T-Shirt
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  (323): View more from California

  I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.

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  (323): I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache. http://tfl.nu/t0k5
  Replies (13) Good night (5404) Bad night (424) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

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  (407): Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything." http://tfl.nu/1ue8
  Replies (35) Good night (16396) Bad night (563)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.

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  (214): My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night. http://tfl.nu/bjzh
  Replies (20) Good night (6549) Bad night (818) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before

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  (206): sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before http://tfl.nu/9maa
  Replies (84) Good night (835) Bad night (3529) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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  (973): He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors http://tfl.nu/k8g7
  Replies (8) Good night (5195) Bad night (1615) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I only kidnapped one of them. chill

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  (205): I only kidnapped one of them. chill http://tfl.nu/ogw5
  Replies (10) Good night (2661) Bad night (420) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"

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  (613): Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?" http://tfl.nu/jp4f
  Replies (14) Good night (989) Bad night (5346) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think

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  (317): Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think http://tfl.nu/kspc
  Replies (16) Good night (4037) Bad night (2927) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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  (262): what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser http://tfl.nu/r42a
  Replies (30) Good night (10261) Bad night (925) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.

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  (530): My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower. http://tfl.nu/udbm
  Replies (16) Good night (437) Bad night (5359) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  i dont know whats so great about being respectable.

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  (614): i dont know whats so great about being respectable. http://tfl.nu/qu3v
  Replies (24) Good night (3089) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.

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  (978): I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b. http://tfl.nu/o2b7
  Replies (33) Good night (2186) Bad night (1281) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.

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  (317): she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know. http://tfl.nu/4052
  Replies (16) Good night (918) Bad night (5447) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week

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  (509): so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week http://tfl.nu/b2p9
  Replies (25) Good night (4802) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.

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  (416): He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high. http://tfl.nu/zw5l
  Replies (31) Good night (7582) Bad night (849) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants

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  (910): so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants http://tfl.nu/bero
  Replies (42) Good night (394) Bad night (11568)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

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  (508): you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water http://tfl.nu/opqy
  Replies (15) Good night (7178) Bad night (366) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.

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  (214): we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER. http://tfl.nu/9rv5
  Replies (58) Good night (12260) Bad night (809) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.

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  (484): drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart. http://tfl.nu/h0kh
  Replies (14) Good night (890) Bad night (2591) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.

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  (443): My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat. http://tfl.nu/c3g0
  Replies (46) Good night (4377) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.

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  (303): Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper. http://tfl.nu/rq4b
  Replies (68) Good night (8551) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.

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  (978): watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night. http://tfl.nu/ve5u
  Replies (20) Good night (984) Bad night (3977) Order T-Shirt
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I find this completely acceptable.

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  (903): Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework? (321): I find this completely acceptable. http://tfl.nu/32xm
  Replies (27) Good night (5260) Bad night (611)
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.

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  (479): he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that. http://tfl.nu/u07t
  Replies (65) Good night (434) Bad night (3892) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.

  (613): View more from Ontario

  This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?

  (613): View more from Ontario

  Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.

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  (613): There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared. (613): This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea? (613): Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win. http://tfl.nu/1a5o
  Replies (13) Good night (2562) Bad night (310)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.

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  (201): It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you. http://tfl.nu/kclk
  Replies (26) Good night (786) Bad night (4260) Order T-Shirt
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  (718): View more from New York

  One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"

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  (718): One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk" http://tfl.nu/wyyx
  Replies (27) Good night (1681) Bad night (3827) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.

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  (812): Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward. http://tfl.nu/8jbn
  Replies (16) Good night (3267) Bad night (580) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.

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  (305): i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher. http://tfl.nu/huem
  Replies (8) Good night (1000) Bad night (2520) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.

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  (425): Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine. http://tfl.nu/qnyh
  Replies (27) Good night (1433) Bad night (3953)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.

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  (843): so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor. http://tfl.nu/1pvp
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  (516): View more from New York

  so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs

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  (516): so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs http://tfl.nu/qh32
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.

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  (712): I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house. http://tfl.nu/f9eu
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  (619): View more from California

  I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth

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  (619): I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth http://tfl.nu/3dui
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  Yes and so do I

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  (702): We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore? (1-702): Yes and so do I http://tfl.nu/4rgh
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I am midnight drunk by noon

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  (773): I am midnight drunk by noon http://tfl.nu/nu2g
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?

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  (404): I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that? http://tfl.nu/s882
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.

  (1-613): View more from Ontario

  We are no longer friends.

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  (613): New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands. (1-613): We are no longer friends. http://tfl.nu/wlk1
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.

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  (479): She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction. http://tfl.nu/io12
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.

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  (201): the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called. http://tfl.nu/7ag1
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  (941): View more from Florida

  i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket

  (212): View more from New York

  Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......

  (212): View more from New York

  Really

  (941): View more from Florida

  You win

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  (941): i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket (212): Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants...... (212): Really (941): You win http://tfl.nu/2qfe
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  (858): View more from California

  last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"

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  (858): last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian" http://tfl.nu/bnai
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.

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  (443): I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network. http://tfl.nu/hbga
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  (516): View more from New York

  shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.

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  (516): shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously. http://tfl.nu/hrom
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.

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  (561): I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes. http://tfl.nu/o56m
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again

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  (508): Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again http://tfl.nu/am23
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...

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  (616): I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one... http://tfl.nu/uf1v
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning

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  (586): i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning http://tfl.nu/zcz6
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock

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  (609): Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock http://tfl.nu/dnop
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  wtf

  (1-225): View more from Louisiana

  I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?

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  (225): wtf (1-225): I'm guessing you saw the bathroom? http://tfl.nu/q0h6
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.

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  (972): Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip. http://tfl.nu/klsb
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.

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  (206): Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though. http://tfl.nu/6g66
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.

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  (706): dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left. http://tfl.nu/hrhu
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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  (416): He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him. http://tfl.nu/3lsk
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  (916): View more from California

  i think i have herpe

  (1-916): View more from California

  just one?

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  (916): i think i have herpe (1-916): just one? http://tfl.nu/e1l6
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes

  (847): View more from Illinois

  And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.

  (319): View more from Iowa

  At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.

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  (319): True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes (847): And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me. (319): At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements. http://tfl.nu/k3x0
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.

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  (484): Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here. http://tfl.nu/jyp5
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.

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  (734): I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day. http://tfl.nu/chx4
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.

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  (636): Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly. http://tfl.nu/3gr1
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.

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  (319): he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me. http://tfl.nu/lhdj
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad

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  (206): Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad http://tfl.nu/uv9f
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.

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  (303): I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed. http://tfl.nu/amby
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft

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  (540): woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft http://tfl.nu/ob1j
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  (805): View more from California

  woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."

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  (805): woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream." http://tfl.nu/w9nn
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  (917): View more from New York City

  omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.

  (310): View more from California

  wait, who's paul?

  (917): View more from New York City

  exactly.

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  (917): omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing. (310): wait, who's paul? (917): exactly. http://tfl.nu/h90s
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What? You're not speaking real words.

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  (423): I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me (617): What? You're not speaking real words. http://tfl.nu/o2go
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.

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  (414): no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good. http://tfl.nu/zhbu
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  (510): View more from California

  You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.

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  (510): You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen. http://tfl.nu/ldf9
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  (516): View more from New York

  We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.

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  (516): We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story. http://tfl.nu/mad1
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  (716): View more from New York

  i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.

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  (716): i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy. http://tfl.nu/q9at
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?

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  (407): i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub? http://tfl.nu/tcak
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  (407): View more from Florida

  He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances

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  (407): He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances http://tfl.nu/rv67
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.

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  (443): Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit. http://tfl.nu/mbv0
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it

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  (843): just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it http://tfl.nu/dhcg
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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  (651): he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong. http://tfl.nu/ln52
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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  (240): I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good. http://tfl.nu/bq51
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.

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  (732): That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on. http://tfl.nu/n5bj
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod

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  (720): she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod http://tfl.nu/2sd3
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.

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  (917): I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily. http://tfl.nu/kdcy
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