i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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