ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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