You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
This house was built for laser tag.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
sarcasm needs its own font
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.