The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
are you still alive?
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
How did you get so drunk?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
no that's ok
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
The uberlube is also flammable
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?