I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Dude, where are you?
... whose car?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
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