holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with