I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
... don't judge me
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
sarcasm needs its own font