She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm fucking your sister right now.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"