Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night