he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.