Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
