did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first