Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
We need to rekindle our bromance
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Plural? Please tell.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on