dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I will pee on everything he values.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
