You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
His hands were made for my vagina.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
you will always have a special place in my vag
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i think i scared a bird with my dick
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she told me i tasted like america
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i dont even know how to be here
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."